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Wednesday, February 1st, 2006

Time:8:08 pm.
ummmmmm. i'm so lucky! :)

i don't really have much to complain about. i guess i do, but i feel bad doing so, because it's all just related to things that do not really matter in life, like work and school. i guess they do matter? but i don't think that's what's most important, and i'm so happy in other areas of my life, that it feels wrong to be upset about anything else.

i wonder how long things will be this good. i hope i don't mess it up by wondering. watch tonight, something bad will happen now!

last night. i. worked. came home. ate a little bit. dennis and i went to the bank. came back. watched some tv. yeah, i was very lazy! and then, i went to bed early, because i had to wake up early, and then around 1, dennis came back, he had borrowed my car to go to the y earlier, and he had been next door drinking with his friends, and he crawled into bed with me, and everything felt so well. i think i will gush about him here, because i don't want to annoy people who can avoid being annoyed by not reading. he is so ooo oo cute though! cute cute cute. and sweet. and he always smells good. and feels good. and is sweet. and he asked for food. and i made us spinach nuggets, and he had yogurt too, and the granola i always get him. and he's just so perfect. everything about him. so good to me. so nice to me. would never, ever hurt me, in any way. i am so grateful. i love the way he smiles at me, and his blue eyes, and his soft skin, and his strong arms, and the way he smells and the way his hair feels and how he wears his clothes, and how he always holds me, and how i feel like i've known him all of my life. he's just the greatest. ok. i'm done now. i need to stop.

so... oh, i had to start on this stupid portfolio for my internship today. who'd have known there's more to the internship than the actual going there part? i didn't know! so yeah, i started on that today. i actually ended up writing two pages on the ordeal, and sugar-coated everything to make it seem like i actually like the occupation of sales disguised by customer service. how cute. let's see, i'm going to start a running clock of how many more days until this job is over! i think i'll get a job at a bank as a teller or customer service rep, like the day before i graduate, that way i can spare no time in leaving! i will stay a few months at the bank until i find a real job that i actually like. i'm not sure when we are going to the bahamas though.. i might have to wait to start. that would suck, but would surely be worth it.

let us see. today is february 1st. i belive my last day of classes will be may 1st. ugh, that seems so far away! let's see. mar, apr, may... that's only three months. how many weeks? like. 14. 7 of those weeks i will work saturdays. so thats 7 days. 4 days out of each week... 4 times 14. + 7. noooo. hmph. 56 + 7 = 63 more days of working at this horrible sales job! yay!

okay, hear that? 63. so. tomorrow, i will get home, and it will be 62, and i will be happy.!

ok, i'm done, i'm done.

bye people of the live journal community!
2 crayons - color me

Sunday, December 11th, 2005

Time:1:47 pm.
wow, i can't even describe how much things have changed.

but i think they are much better.

i don't really have time to write about it now, i'm sort of busy, but i wanted to make some kind of documentation, so i can remember a point in my life when i was really feeling happy.

i've been reading all of my old journals for about an hour now, and it just makes me want to cry. i can't believe how sad and alone i was. i can't believe how low i let myself get, and i can't believe how happy i am now.

it's weird, but when someone treats you so well, it almost hurts more, because you start to realize how unwell you were treated before.

i don't really feel like i have much faith in anything anymore, i haven't for a long time, but it's pretty easy to get sucked in again, and it's too hard to stop. i really, really hope that what i had with ricky isn't something that will happen again. i really hope that all of those things i thought everyone experienced are not true. i really want to believe in staying happy, but i'm afraid to unguard myself like the first time, and be hurt so badly again.

i'm on this borderline... where, i haven't completely lost myself in happiness, because i keep remembering how hard it is to be happy and then only have it come crashing down with insults, manipulation, infidelity (does it count if you're not married though? probably not), and physical pain.

even though i am so happy right now, i keep waiting for him to call me stupid at some point, or to stop calling, or to hook up with another girl, or to push me on the floor, or something. ricky was very sweet too at first. for the first couple of years, even. and then, when you're least expecting it, just slowly, things start to fall apart. you think you're insecure but then you find out he has been with other girls during the relationship. you think you're being annoying and then you accept when he pushes you into a wall. you almost look up to him when he puts you down whenever he gets a chance, because it makes him seem smarter, and then you feel luckier to be with someone that intelligent.

its weird, but i was almost glad those things happened, because it made me feel more secure. it made me feel like, if i could deal with that, i could deal with anything. it made me NOT feel. it made me not CARE, because i didn't care about him anymore, so he couldn't hurt me.

but now i care a lot about someone, and it's like th ecycle has started from the beginning, when things begin fine, and it makes me afraid, because for the first time in years, i am open for target again, and i can be hurt just like i used to be. its so hard to trust.

im trying though. im on that line, that i was talking about, which means, i care a lot, but only to a certain point that i have allowed myself. and this way, if he does start talking down to me or hooking up with other people or cutting me out, i think it would hurt, but that i could still be okay with it if i stay at this point.

i think, i am still relatively untouchable as i have made myself to be.
2 crayons - color me

Friday, September 16th, 2005

Time:11:24 pm.
i can hear my roommate outside talking to the boys next door. i really like her. i actually really like all three of them. my one roommate... haha, i could complain about her, but it would just be in a mocking way not a real, she's annoying kind of way.

she just broke up with her boyfriend... er, he broke up with her. and so she's in that phase where every night she changes her away message every ten minutes, drinks one beer, gets "drunk" and *accidentally* calls him thus revealing her true feelings - every single time. i guess we all go through that stage, although i'd like to be able to admit i never, ever did. but that would be a lie. although it was a very, very, very long time ago, and if i was having that kind of problem now, i would handle it much differently. like.. just avoid him altogether. my how we change.

i don't mind though. i don't think i could ever complain about a roommate again after last year.

nicky was... omg. ugh. i've never clashed with another person so much. isn't that weird? how sometimes people get matched with a person exactly the opposite of them? it's weird.

loved jess.

oh, and jackie was okay. until i realized she was a pathological liar. it actually made me like nicky a little more. that girl put me through so much shit, right when i didn't need it the most. she never paid her bills on time all summer, and i was always financially burdened by her. it was ridiculous. and she lied a lot about it, and owed me almost five hundred dollars for months, and when i called her mom because she had pissed off my new roommates by selling them our internet cable box... which i told them we were actually renting from comcast... yeah, her mom was like, "she's a pathological liar." so that sort of ruined that friendship quick. i still didn't not like her though. i just had trouble being around her without rolling my eyes and getting frustrated. now that i have all of my money back i don't mind. but i don't trust her at all. it's weird that someone can lie so much to you about something.

i may have a lot of secrets. but i never lie.

im going to try to be a better person now. im sick of feeling sorry for myself sometimes, and writing those emo entries. i'm just going to be matter-of-fact from now on, and realize that i'm a human just like others, and that events happen to me, people happen to me, and bad things may or may not happen to me, but that it's cool, and i'll be alright anyway.
1 crayon - color me

Saturday, August 13th, 2005

Time:1:52 am.
and just wanted to add, the icing on the cake. there's like a gang .. a literal, straight from the movies, GANG, gathered right outside my window on the car beside mine. they're loud. obnoxious. trying to pull a sign out of the ground. omg. i want to move my car, but i'm too scared.

there's no way i'm getting any sleep tonight.
color me

Time:1:43 am.
ahh! i really don't always feel like this, i promise. i mean, you can tell. i'm only on here when i feel like i have lost some type of control in real life.

and its not often that i post.

but, i feel ... like i'm going insane tonight.

i'm just really agitated and panicky.

i've spent an hour writing and rewriting an outline of every day for next semester, what to eat, when to eat it, what times to do homework, what times to read, what time to watch a movie, what time to call a friend, when to exercise, how to exercise, how many calories to burn, how much percentage of efforts to put into each club i'm in.

i feel sick.

i know it's wrong, and that this must be some level of obsessive compulsive. but i can barely put the pen down, but my head is buzzing so crazy, and it's telling me that it won't be okay until i have every single minute of every single day, worked out on paper. i know that's insane... in my brain. but in my mind... i feel like i have to make a specific time for everything or things will not be done.

and usually i'm not pissed off easily. well, actually i am, but i don't show it, but tonight i am extra special pissed off because i told my roommate she HAD TO TAKE HER AIR CONDITIONER OUT, because she is leaving, has no money, has already bounced two checks to me, the electric is in MY name, etc, etc, and i FINALLY got the nerve to be a bitch the other night and tell her she HAD to take the a/c out, and its STILL FUCKING IN THERE, and she keeps saying she isn't using it, but i know she is because she has hre window shut and my lights flicker in my room when it goes on. but when i go up there i can't hear with her door closed and she probably turns it off when she coems to the door. i'm going to go crazy. really am. and i know nothing about this has any validity to anyone because i've already proved how obsessive compulsive i am earlier. but i hate this stupid bitch. she's a liar, etc, etc, etc, etc.

i can't calm down. my heart keeps racing and i'm just feeling really upset in general. i don't want to go to work in the morning. i'm sweating. i don't feel right in the head. i feel like i have NO CONTROL OVER ANYTHING IN MY LIFE.

and i have really strong feelings towards people in a very bad way (namely my roommate and my landlord right now, but i could think of others if i tried).

please, let me go to sleep now that i vented. please, please, please put my mind at ease.

i know this didn't work.
color me

Monday, July 11th, 2005

Time:9:58 am.

this is an official friends-only journal, in order to protect the privacy of everyone in my life. if you want to be added as a friend, e-mail me: twistyfate@aol.com, and put something in the subject line indicating that you are not a man in india trying to sell me watches for three dollars.

color me

LiveJournal for fake_plastic_em.

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