fake_plastic_em (fake_plastic_em) wrote,

wow, i can't even describe how much things have changed.

but i think they are much better.

i don't really have time to write about it now, i'm sort of busy, but i wanted to make some kind of documentation, so i can remember a point in my life when i was really feeling happy.

i've been reading all of my old journals for about an hour now, and it just makes me want to cry. i can't believe how sad and alone i was. i can't believe how low i let myself get, and i can't believe how happy i am now.

it's weird, but when someone treats you so well, it almost hurts more, because you start to realize how unwell you were treated before.

i don't really feel like i have much faith in anything anymore, i haven't for a long time, but it's pretty easy to get sucked in again, and it's too hard to stop. i really, really hope that what i had with ricky isn't something that will happen again. i really hope that all of those things i thought everyone experienced are not true. i really want to believe in staying happy, but i'm afraid to unguard myself like the first time, and be hurt so badly again.

i'm on this borderline... where, i haven't completely lost myself in happiness, because i keep remembering how hard it is to be happy and then only have it come crashing down with insults, manipulation, infidelity (does it count if you're not married though? probably not), and physical pain.

even though i am so happy right now, i keep waiting for him to call me stupid at some point, or to stop calling, or to hook up with another girl, or to push me on the floor, or something. ricky was very sweet too at first. for the first couple of years, even. and then, when you're least expecting it, just slowly, things start to fall apart. you think you're insecure but then you find out he has been with other girls during the relationship. you think you're being annoying and then you accept when he pushes you into a wall. you almost look up to him when he puts you down whenever he gets a chance, because it makes him seem smarter, and then you feel luckier to be with someone that intelligent.

its weird, but i was almost glad those things happened, because it made me feel more secure. it made me feel like, if i could deal with that, i could deal with anything. it made me NOT feel. it made me not CARE, because i didn't care about him anymore, so he couldn't hurt me.

but now i care a lot about someone, and it's like th ecycle has started from the beginning, when things begin fine, and it makes me afraid, because for the first time in years, i am open for target again, and i can be hurt just like i used to be. its so hard to trust.

im trying though. im on that line, that i was talking about, which means, i care a lot, but only to a certain point that i have allowed myself. and this way, if he does start talking down to me or hooking up with other people or cutting me out, i think it would hurt, but that i could still be okay with it if i stay at this point.

i think, i am still relatively untouchable as i have made myself to be.
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